No Recollection

Originally published on March 8, 2016 on my blog "Life With Lavenders"

  I feel like there should be some kind of internationally known hand signal for when you recognize someone because you know what's super awkward? Going up to someone and being like, 'Hey!" and they just look at you like you're a stranger danger. Then you realize they don't know who you are, you start questioning if you actually do know them or you try explaining to them how you know them. "Umm..you don't remember me do you? We were dart partners like 10 years ago. Well not partners, but you subbed for the girl I usually played with. Like we hung out a few times? Down at that crappy bar? You gave me weed for free once?" Awesome. Now you sound like a stalker who sits at home, reminiscing about the time you spent together while listening to Nickleback's "How You Remind Me" on repeat and smoking clove cigarettes, which is not the case at all.

Even worse is when you see someone, recognize their face, give them a big ol grin and then slowly realize why you recognize them. "HEY! How are you.....cop that arrested me for indecent exposure that time I peed in the Applebee's parking lot..ah shit." Or "Hey you! You look good......considering I held you prisoner in my basement for 18 months fifteen years ago and was never caught...awwwwkkwarrdd! You still mad? But for real, you look good. Wanna come Netflix and chill sometime?"

Like everyone, I've been on the other side of this scenario too. Because even though I can seriously recognize someone who I went to elementary school for two years before they moved to California in second grade, I can't remember someone I saw twice a week for 6 months at an old job. I had a lady come up to me once and start talking about how much weight I had lost, how I changed my hair, she loved my bangs, talking about her grandkids. The entire time I had to hold a conversation with a person who I had no idea who she was while acting like I did and rack my brain to try and place her. Usually I just say something like, "Oh sorry. I used to have a really bad drinking problem," or "I wish I could place you but a few years back I was a drug mule for the cartel and a couple of the balloons opened up inside of me. Completely fried my brain. I was actually legally dead for 2 days. Woke up at my own funeral, which was just me being thrown in a shallow hole outside Tijuana, surrounded by Scientologists. Middle school, amiright?" but I was at work and apparently that's frowned upon.

I always feel like the biggest jerk. Especially when they know so much about me. It's like being a little kid again but you don't have your mom there to say, "Remember our old neighbor Vicki?" "You used to come over and make cookies when you were 2. You had pink socks with bears on them." Even then it's like..bitch...I still can't remember where I left my car on Friday night...and today is Wednesday. At this point I'm just about to call it a loss an buy a new one, so no I don't remember making cookies with you when I was 2. More importantly, do you have any cookies on you right now? And can I borrow like $5000?

I guess I'll go ahead and start this then. Hand signal for "I think I know you" is officially two taps of the right index finger to the right temple. If you recognize them back, proceed with conversation. If you don't, two quick brushes of your left upper arm with your right hand will say, "I don't know you, don't talk to me." If you are absolutely sure you know them and it's that important to you, signal back with tap of the left wrist with your right index and middle finger, (like the Mockingjay sign from Hunger Games) and then mime where you think you know them from.

Super simple! We can do this guys, I believe in us!

Sexy Yet Thought Invoking Selfies -or- I'm An Asshole

I started doing this thing lately. I find some of the most ridiculously stupid and outlandish quotes said by celebrities and pair them with an "expressive" selfie. At first, I was doing it purely because I thought it was funny and saw it as satire of those who post selfies with quotes like "she may be bent, but she's not broken". I know, I'm a dick sometimes. Anywho, I got two or three in when I realized that my initial intent was getting lost in translation. I think a few people took the time to read the quotes and saw some humor in it but I think most people didn't care, just thought "Hey. That's a nice pic" or maybe something else completely. I'm not a mind reader.

I posted this one yesterday with a terrible Kanye West quote but after checking it a few times to see how many people liked it and who (everyone does this and it's ok if you do too) I thought to myself "Well fuck. This is not playing out like I imagined it would" and I got a little embarrassed. The picture was overtly sexual (for me personally) and to be honest, it made me uncomfortable. Once I realized that this particular post wasn't being seen in all it's glorious context and possibly being misinterpreted, I did not feel good about myself. But I left it up for now. Because who fucking knows.

I've posted selfies before, like a lot, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend it wasn't for attention, it was. What other reason is there for someone to post a selfie of themselves? Hell, getting attention is the foundation of social media. Literally the whole concept of it. I have thoughts, opinions, ideas, etc and I want them to be recognized by a group of my peers. That is what social media is, that's what blogging is, there is nothing altruistic about any of it. Believe me when I say, I'm not trying to offend anyone or make anyone feel less than. IT'S FINE! EVERYBODY DOES IT. DO YOU. FUCK THE HATERS. That includes me. I can be a hater sometimes.

It wasn't until I responded to my friend Joe's comment that I really began to see past the entire 'I think this is funny in a really bitchy and judgemental way' (I know, this was mean and condescending of me). But seriously, think about it. This is the norm now. Maybe it's because everyone is so enthralled with their phones that in order to get attention, social media is an easy way to get it. Maybe it's just me but I really don't interact with that many people and it's usually the same people everyday. I'm old news to them, they already know me. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, these are all new platforms with new audiences and you have complete control over the content and how you want to be portrayed. You can be the best version of yourself. You get to negate or at least downplay all those flaws and imperfections you believe you have. Well if you want to, I'm a hot mess that portrays themselves as such. I like to forewarn people so if they start to bitch, I can point out that if they didn't pick up on this disaster that it me looking through my posts, it's their own fault.

Anyways, being acknowledged by people gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It makes us feel good, like we are noticeable, worthy of attention, it gives us that confidence boost that some of us desperately need at times. Once again, this isn't a bad thing. It's normal to want to be noticed, it is normal to want people to see us. It's fucking normal, ok?

Can I be completely honest? In a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario, an M. Night Shama-long-a-ding twist if you will, I had two motives with this post. I don't know what percentage is this and what percentage was that but here they are: The juxtaposition of a scandalous picture paired with a stupid fucking quote amuses me. It will never not be hilarious to me. It would have been 1000% better if I was a dude but I'm not. Secondly, as I have admitted in past posts, I am jealous. I am jealous when I see other women posting selfies and getting a ton of likes. It's fucking stupid. Thanks to my past but recent experiences in life, I feel a sense of inferiority to these other ladies. Which is dumb because I literally just said that shit about creating a best version of yourself for display, blah, blah, blah. These people are real but they aren't "real", they are selected pictures, they are carefully thought out posts, so why the fuck am I jealous? Well obviously I have terribly low self esteem and I've allowed toxic people into my life who have amplified that feeling. My bad...

Jesus this is a long post. IN CONCLUSION, people do things. They do things for a reason and only they know why. Or maybe they don't know why. My whole point is, do what you need to do to get through the day. Don't feel bad for wanting extra attention. Don't feel bad for expressing yourself however the fuck you want to express yourself. Don't hold back just because cynical assholes like me sometimes feel really shitty about themselves and pass judgement.

I'm sorry I'm a twat. :(

P.S. It's still funny to me.