Hey you, with the low self esteem....

 

Originally Published On Tuesday, September 12, 2017 on my first blog "Life With Lavenders"

For the person reading this who struggles with low self esteem.....I'm sorry. I wish I could help you.

Because I know what it feels like to not feel good enough. To not be pretty enough or skinny enough. I know what it's like to avoid mirrors because you don't want to be reminded of what you look like, it will just make you anxious for the rest of the day.
I know what it feels like to see other girls on Facebook who get a hundred likes per selfie. I know what it's like to tell yourself, "Psh. Who cares?" I know how we try to rationalize it by thinking, "I could get that many likes if my tits were halfway out in my pictures too".

I also know what it's like the next day when you take a picture of yourself and pull your shirt down a little lower than usual but then feel stupid because that's not the kind of woman you want to be. You rather be highly regarded for your character, admired for your real beauty, not "liked" because of your cleavage. You think, "Ha. Thank God I have more respect for myself than those girls...." as you bare your shoulder and take a 50th snapshot. Maybe this will be the one.

I know what it's like to never believe him when he says, "I like your body. I like how you look." I know what it's like when you first notice the slight annoyance in his voice, when he has to reassure you once again, for the 100th time.

I know what it's like to get insanely jealous. Because deep down you're positive you aren't good enough and when they figure it out, oh boy, they'll be out the door.

I know what it's like to feel like you're not worth much at all. To feel like you weren't worth chasing after. You weren't worth the trouble of keeping.

I know what it's like to feel like your friends deserve a better friend. Or found a better friend. You can't blame them, you aren't much fun anymore and you just seem sad all the time. And you don't really want to go out anymore because then people will see you and if they can see you, they can judge you and you just can't really handle that right now.

I know what it's like to wonder if you'll always be alone. To feel like it's somehow your fault that you're alone. I know what it's like to cling on a little too tightly to someone because inside you're screaming, "Please don't leave me. DON'T LEAVE ME. I can't be alone."

I know what it feels like. I know what it all feels like. And I wish I could make things easier for you.

I wish I could show you how amazing you are, how strong you are.

I wish I could gather up all the people who see beauty in you, who respect and admire you just to show you that those people really do exist.

I wish I could point out your greatness to you and make you realize how insignificant your "biggest flaws" really are. Because I barely notice them, I only see good.

I wish, just for a moment, I could give you an outside perspective from the eyes of someone that loves you. So even just for 5 minutes you could feel the way you make others feel when they are near you.

I wish I could share with you what it's like to have memories of you that replay during random times. The stifled laughter that gets strange looks at the grocery store because something reminds me of you. Or seeing something that makes me think, "Oh my gosh. They would love this!"

A random tag on Facebook that says so much more than just the words or the picture on the screen. It says, "I'm thinking about you" "This reminds me of you" Or "I know you'll find something in this as I did."

I wish I could show you what you mean to me and everyone else.

But until the day you can see these things on your own, I promise to do what I can to show you what you mean to me. Because whether you believe it or not, you're worth it.

No Recollection

Originally published on March 8, 2016 on my blog "Life With Lavenders"

  I feel like there should be some kind of internationally known hand signal for when you recognize someone because you know what's super awkward? Going up to someone and being like, 'Hey!" and they just look at you like you're a stranger danger. Then you realize they don't know who you are, you start questioning if you actually do know them or you try explaining to them how you know them. "Umm..you don't remember me do you? We were dart partners like 10 years ago. Well not partners, but you subbed for the girl I usually played with. Like we hung out a few times? Down at that crappy bar? You gave me weed for free once?" Awesome. Now you sound like a stalker who sits at home, reminiscing about the time you spent together while listening to Nickleback's "How You Remind Me" on repeat and smoking clove cigarettes, which is not the case at all.

Even worse is when you see someone, recognize their face, give them a big ol grin and then slowly realize why you recognize them. "HEY! How are you.....cop that arrested me for indecent exposure that time I peed in the Applebee's parking lot..ah shit." Or "Hey you! You look good......considering I held you prisoner in my basement for 18 months fifteen years ago and was never caught...awwwwkkwarrdd! You still mad? But for real, you look good. Wanna come Netflix and chill sometime?"

Like everyone, I've been on the other side of this scenario too. Because even though I can seriously recognize someone who I went to elementary school for two years before they moved to California in second grade, I can't remember someone I saw twice a week for 6 months at an old job. I had a lady come up to me once and start talking about how much weight I had lost, how I changed my hair, she loved my bangs, talking about her grandkids. The entire time I had to hold a conversation with a person who I had no idea who she was while acting like I did and rack my brain to try and place her. Usually I just say something like, "Oh sorry. I used to have a really bad drinking problem," or "I wish I could place you but a few years back I was a drug mule for the cartel and a couple of the balloons opened up inside of me. Completely fried my brain. I was actually legally dead for 2 days. Woke up at my own funeral, which was just me being thrown in a shallow hole outside Tijuana, surrounded by Scientologists. Middle school, amiright?" but I was at work and apparently that's frowned upon.

I always feel like the biggest jerk. Especially when they know so much about me. It's like being a little kid again but you don't have your mom there to say, "Remember our old neighbor Vicki?" "You used to come over and make cookies when you were 2. You had pink socks with bears on them." Even then it's like..bitch...I still can't remember where I left my car on Friday night...and today is Wednesday. At this point I'm just about to call it a loss an buy a new one, so no I don't remember making cookies with you when I was 2. More importantly, do you have any cookies on you right now? And can I borrow like $5000?

I guess I'll go ahead and start this then. Hand signal for "I think I know you" is officially two taps of the right index finger to the right temple. If you recognize them back, proceed with conversation. If you don't, two quick brushes of your left upper arm with your right hand will say, "I don't know you, don't talk to me." If you are absolutely sure you know them and it's that important to you, signal back with tap of the left wrist with your right index and middle finger, (like the Mockingjay sign from Hunger Games) and then mime where you think you know them from.

Super simple! We can do this guys, I believe in us!

Sexy Yet Thought Invoking Selfies -or- I'm An Asshole

I started doing this thing lately. I find some of the most ridiculously stupid and outlandish quotes said by celebrities and pair them with an "expressive" selfie. At first, I was doing it purely because I thought it was funny and saw it as satire of those who post selfies with quotes like "she may be bent, but she's not broken". I know, I'm a dick sometimes. Anywho, I got two or three in when I realized that my initial intent was getting lost in translation. I think a few people took the time to read the quotes and saw some humor in it but I think most people didn't care, just thought "Hey. That's a nice pic" or maybe something else completely. I'm not a mind reader.

I posted this one yesterday with a terrible Kanye West quote but after checking it a few times to see how many people liked it and who (everyone does this and it's ok if you do too) I thought to myself "Well fuck. This is not playing out like I imagined it would" and I got a little embarrassed. The picture was overtly sexual (for me personally) and to be honest, it made me uncomfortable. Once I realized that this particular post wasn't being seen in all it's glorious context and possibly being misinterpreted, I did not feel good about myself. But I left it up for now. Because who fucking knows.

I've posted selfies before, like a lot, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend it wasn't for attention, it was. What other reason is there for someone to post a selfie of themselves? Hell, getting attention is the foundation of social media. Literally the whole concept of it. I have thoughts, opinions, ideas, etc and I want them to be recognized by a group of my peers. That is what social media is, that's what blogging is, there is nothing altruistic about any of it. Believe me when I say, I'm not trying to offend anyone or make anyone feel less than. IT'S FINE! EVERYBODY DOES IT. DO YOU. FUCK THE HATERS. That includes me. I can be a hater sometimes.

It wasn't until I responded to my friend Joe's comment that I really began to see past the entire 'I think this is funny in a really bitchy and judgemental way' (I know, this was mean and condescending of me). But seriously, think about it. This is the norm now. Maybe it's because everyone is so enthralled with their phones that in order to get attention, social media is an easy way to get it. Maybe it's just me but I really don't interact with that many people and it's usually the same people everyday. I'm old news to them, they already know me. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, these are all new platforms with new audiences and you have complete control over the content and how you want to be portrayed. You can be the best version of yourself. You get to negate or at least downplay all those flaws and imperfections you believe you have. Well if you want to, I'm a hot mess that portrays themselves as such. I like to forewarn people so if they start to bitch, I can point out that if they didn't pick up on this disaster that it me looking through my posts, it's their own fault.

Anyways, being acknowledged by people gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It makes us feel good, like we are noticeable, worthy of attention, it gives us that confidence boost that some of us desperately need at times. Once again, this isn't a bad thing. It's normal to want to be noticed, it is normal to want people to see us. It's fucking normal, ok?

Can I be completely honest? In a "what came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario, an M. Night Shama-long-a-ding twist if you will, I had two motives with this post. I don't know what percentage is this and what percentage was that but here they are: The juxtaposition of a scandalous picture paired with a stupid fucking quote amuses me. It will never not be hilarious to me. It would have been 1000% better if I was a dude but I'm not. Secondly, as I have admitted in past posts, I am jealous. I am jealous when I see other women posting selfies and getting a ton of likes. It's fucking stupid. Thanks to my past but recent experiences in life, I feel a sense of inferiority to these other ladies. Which is dumb because I literally just said that shit about creating a best version of yourself for display, blah, blah, blah. These people are real but they aren't "real", they are selected pictures, they are carefully thought out posts, so why the fuck am I jealous? Well obviously I have terribly low self esteem and I've allowed toxic people into my life who have amplified that feeling. My bad...

Jesus this is a long post. IN CONCLUSION, people do things. They do things for a reason and only they know why. Or maybe they don't know why. My whole point is, do what you need to do to get through the day. Don't feel bad for wanting extra attention. Don't feel bad for expressing yourself however the fuck you want to express yourself. Don't hold back just because cynical assholes like me sometimes feel really shitty about themselves and pass judgement.

I'm sorry I'm a twat. :(

P.S. It's still funny to me.

My Boldest Stalker

Before I tell this story, I need to give some background information. If you don't already know this, I work at a public library. I've been here for almost 10 years and I've interacted with thousands, maybe even millions of people. Actually I have no idea if that's accurate at all because I suck a hard one at math. Anyways, I've been around a lot of people. Some nice, some mean, some smelly, some I see every day but we've never talked. Some know my name, some don't.

A couple of years ago, this guy started coming in. We will call him Herman. Not sure if that's actually his name but he looks like a Herman. So Herman starts coming in like every day for hours at a time. He is an older man, glasses, kind of different. Now I'm not a very judgemental person (unless you count women on Facebook who always wear too much eye makeup and take selfies with snapchat filters, while wearing spaghetti strap tanks with their tits hanging out and the camera wayyy above their heads so you can see way down their shirt. I judge you. I judge the fuck out of you. Have some couth, you nasty skanks. Not all attention is good attention. You're gross.) Moving on, I try not to be judgemental so I was initially nice to the guy. Soon he started getting a little clingy, I started to avoid having conversations or if I did have talk to him, I kept it short and professional.

After awhile I started noticing that every time I looked up from my desk, he would be across the library watching me. So one day I say to me co-worker, "I think that guy is creepy, he is always watching me...." and she says something like, "Yeah I don't think it's just you, he does that a lot." And I'm like alright, well that's reassuring. As time goes on, I'm getting a little more uncomfortable. When I get up to walk, he starts trying to intercept me and talk to me. I start to use some tactical maneuvers to avoid him even more.

One day I left work a little early or for lunch or something, when I get back to work my co-worker says "As soon as you left, he ran (probably fast shuffled) over to the window and watched you get in your car." I'm like ok this is getting really stalkery. So I'm like, "I think he is stalking me." and co-worker is like, "I think he just does that to all the pretty girls, I don't think you are being singled out." I'm like, "Ok, sounds fake but ok".

One day the guy is gone, just gone. We don't see him for like at least 2 years. Then about two months ago, he shows up again and I'l all, "Well shit..." He hangs out for a couple days, maybe a week, and then poof! Gone again. Thank God. Well, it only lasted about two weeks and here he strolls in again. Ugghhh. So I continue to make little remarks here and there about how he makes my uncomfortable and is kind of stalking me. I'm reassured that he probably does it to a lot of gals and I shouldn't feel singled out. Ok I guess?

Now, keep in mind, since his return a couple months ago, I have completely avoided him. I have not talked to him, I have not smiled or said so much as "Hello". It may seem rude but I'm sick of his bullshit. So I had to work last weekend so I was off on Friday. When I get to work on Monday my co-worker says, "So I was sitting in my office on Friday and I looked up and Herman was standing in my office. Didn't knock, just standing there. I asked him, "Can I help you?" and he says, "Where is she?" and motions towards the direction of the desk where you usually sit. I say, "Who?" and he says, "The girl that sits at the desk, with the brown hair..." I told him "She's unavailable today but there are several other people working today so what can we help you with" and he replies, "Where is she?" and I said, "Did you need something or..." and he says, "I want to know where she is...where is she today?" "I can't give you that information."

I'm not exactly how long this went on but long but apparently it wasn't a very short conversation. So now I'm like, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE WAS STALKING ME!"

Funny story, the morning I began writing this, he was in and being super creepy. I was talking to the custodian/my best friend, Chuck, and as we talked, creepo walked right by us, towards the exit. So my bestie goes to ask some of the guys that hang out around here a lot if they know his name. Just as he gets halfway across the library, I look over and the guy is seriously staring at me behind a sign. This is my reenactment:

HE WAS LITERALLY AROUND THE CORNER PEEKING OVER THE SIGN...STARING AT ME.

So I start loudly saying Chuck's name and he comes back and sees the guy, I run into the workroom and turn off the light, I'm angry crying because I'm sick of working like this, Chuck calls the director. She comes out, creepy tries avoiding her, she tells him he is being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable, he blames it on me, that I'm always staring at him, he gets asked to leave and not come back (but only for the day).

So since then he hasn't been back but if he does show back up, I told work if he approaches me anytime I am outside the building and off the clock, I will roundhouse him in the face. Or at least try. I'm also getting a taser in case I'm not wearing legging that day and don't have my full range of motion. Also if I go missing, it was him.

The End

No Refunds

Once upon a time, I got a part-time job. It was a good job but it was only 20 hours a week. At this job, I noticed that some of my new coworkers were very set in their ways. They came to work, did what they did, day in and day out. I am not that kind of person. While I very much like my schedule to go exactly the same way everyday, consistency makes me less anxious, I also like to learn new things. I want to have a place in life. Not in a conceited way, even though it may look like that to some, I want to earn my importance and my standing. I don't like people who feel like they are entitled to respect or importance, you earn it.

So instead of just saying, "This is my position, this is what I do. I'm going to come to work and just do what I'm told to do" I dug in. I went beyond what my job entailed. I learned everything there was to know about our online services, editing the website, etc. I used my technological prowess to make myself valuable. Long story short, this bitch was extra af.

Soon I was given more responsibility and a few more hours. It was nice but I kept going. The day that ebook lending became available through our library, I was on it. I became an expert. When a full time position opened, I got it. By this time I was able to work every desk, perform every duty with the exception of the bookkeeping and cataloging. I was the go to tech person. I ran the Facebook page, the website, I wrote an article every month for a local publication, I booked a couple authors to come talk, I wore a lot of hats. I have to admit, I took pride in myself and I felt like an essential asset. I got a little cocky but it felt earned. I was needed.

Then we got a new director. Him and I did not get along. He didn't like being challenged or spoken out against. I, on the other hand, do not necessarily do well with authority, especially male authority. Especially male authority who clearly has an issue with women who speak their mind. I strongly believe that everyone should have a voice when it comes to any facet of their lives. To come into a place and start making changes without any kind of background knowledge is foolish. Anyways after a couple of "heated" arguments I got hauled into his office where I was reprimanded. Though he had a lot to say (much of it very unprofessional) one statement really hit me in the gut. "EVERYONE is replaceable."

I had worked so hard to make myself valuable and felt security in my job because I had been told by several members of management that I was an asset to the library. Hearing those words directed at me threw me completely. In that moment I realized he was right. Everyone is replaceable and I am no exception to that rule. No matter how well I did at my job, I was replaceable.

Little did I know at the moment just how replaceable I would become in the next two years. Though that director left his position and I didn't lose my job, I have been replaced in almost every aspect of my life. By my friends, my ex, even some of the duties I had earned at work have been given away to others. I am reminded every few weeks just how replaceable I am, both directly and indirectly.

Did I earn my displacement? I guess it depends on who you ask. I'm sure the others parties would say yes and who am I to argue? We all have our reasons, whether it be moving on after heartache, feeling betrayed, being disrespected, or maybe because we withdrawal ourselves and just don't have the energy to commit to fixing the problem. Regardless of the reason the fact remains the same, no matter what you do or who you are, you are replaceable.........but this doesn't mean you're unforgettable.

You may replace me but you'll never forget me.

No Going Back.

The fucked up part about time is.....you can't reverse it. No matter how noble the cause, once something happens, it's happened. There is no going back. We all have these mental time machines where we imagine traveling back to a previous time in our lives. We dwell on thoughts like, "If I just would have listened" or "If I had just paid more attention" or "If I had just killed Hitler as a baby". Sorry, you are shit out of luck my friend. Take a hard look at your life because every good, bad and in between decision & action has gotten you to this point.

Luckily you have two choices, figure it the fuck out or kill yourself. While I persistently occupy my mind and favor the latter (what can I say, I'm on for theatrics and also I am very mentally ill) thus far I have gone with the other....kinda of. And as far as the ol "If you don't like your life..change it!" goes, it's hard to change your life when you have no motivation and/or willpower to do so.  Once or twice a month I decide, "Yeah! Do what's best for you!" but it only last a couple days or a few hours before it changes to, "Ugh. This is hard. Life is hard. I give up. No matter what I do, I'm never getting my old life back. This is me, accepting my life, which is a pile of hot shit " or something emotionally damaging happens and I run back to the familiar because I can't handle more than one existential crisis at a time. Which is essentially the category every one of my crises falls under. (Also crises is the plural form of crisis, knowledge is power).

To my credit, I'm having slightly more of these days and each time it lasts a little longer, so I haven't completely given up hope. Which is why I'm not typing this from the grave or a vegetative state. That and I haven't seen La-La Land yet. I've found it easier to deal with suicide ideation by thinking of something I've yet to do in my life then I let my obsessive behavior traits intervene, my anxiety kicks in and I'm all, "OH GOD! I CAN'T OFF MYSELF! I HAVEN'T EVER TRIED CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON OR LEARNED TO MOONWALK OR BECOME A DOCTOR!" Does it make sense? No but I've found a workaround and I'm going with it.

Anyways, like I was saying, you can't go back. As much as you cry and plead and hope and dream, it's not going to fucking happen. So eventually you have to accept it, something I refuse to do. I solemnly swear to make myself miserable and riddled with regret for as long as I live. Sure it's not the healthiest way to live but I've been doing it for over a year now so A. I'm really good at it and B. It's the path of least resistance.

But on a serious note, everyone has had that internal conversation that you would have with yourself if you were able to go back in time. Be nicer to your siblings. Spend more time with your grandparents. Cherish these moments because you'll never get them back. Put down the heroin, I know it seems like a good idea right now but that's only because of the other drugs you're on. Personally, I have a hundred things I would tell my past self. I would probably need to take several trips because the first few would just be me Homer Simpson strangling my early 2016 self. Logistically, I'm not sure how this would work out after the first time being that my 2016 self would be dead, therefore my future self wouldn't exist to go back in time after the first encounter.

Ok. Change of plans guys, instead of a wasting resources on time machines or time traveling super abilities, we are going focus all our energy on learning to travel to parallel timelines.

In conclusion, literally forget everything I just said. I feel like if we all come together, we can figure this out. I've just joined an "online academy" run by some dutch guy in Sedona (pretty sure it's a cult but I'm ok with that) and I feel like this is really going to turn my life around. PM me for dets.

The Molding Of A Mind

The mind is a fucked up yet amazing thing. It has a way of taking everything that has happened to you and molding your personality and attributes around it. From the time we are small children, we are greatly affected by others actions and reactions, good, bad and otherwise. Even those events we may not remember.

My mom and dad divorced when I was young. Though we saw him consistently, every other weekend plus summer and holidays, the majority of my young life included a single mother raising her four children on an acreage in the middle of the country. She worked and went to school, which meant my older sister and brother had to step up and become caretakers while they were still children themselves.

For me as a younger sibling, I quickly began to look up to my sister and brother as parental figures. I still saw my mother as a mother and my father as my father but I had these two extra people taking care of me as a parent would. The moment you begin to realize that your parents aren't perfect, they are just two people who got it on and popped out some kids, is a huge milestone to the way we begin to see the world. When you begin to put the standard of parent onto an older sibling, who still has a lot of growing to do and is still making mistakes and learning life lessons, that process is swift. Watching the pedestal you've built for them crumble can be devastating but from the wreckage we are taught that nobody is perfect and that's an essential lesson to learn.

I was a very emotional child and one day I was a very upset and threw a temper tantrum. In doing so I hit my head on the concrete floor. Another time I would kick a wall and then one day I threw myself down the stairs. Later in life this began to manifest into the notion that when I feel very mad or sad and it is so much that kicking and screaming could not pacify me, a physical & painful shock to my system will give me relief. This was a not so good lesson to learn.

As we continue to age, things continue to form us. Things like visiting Dad in the summers and going to buy new clothes for school, something we didn't do with our mother who in turn did things like feed us, begins to plant seeds. Spending money on someone=love, feeding someone=love, food=comfort.

Even as adults, events in our lives confirm things that we thought may be true but didn't necessarily have validity at the time. I didn't have a boyfriend in high school, never had a date=not desirable. Met a boy, lost virginity, eventually got married but there was a severe lack of intimacy throughout the relationship=still not desirable. Discuss feelings several times but nothing changes=how I feel is not important. Go to counseling, husband cites that wife has an unrealistic view on what love is, he works too much to be intimate and there is a large age gap which creates a separation of interests= feelings of rejection, being wrong and naive. Marriage falls apart, find someone who gives intimacy and understanding=feelings of being wanted. New relationship has many issues but willing to overlook due to the inflated need of being wanted or needed is so overwhelming. Ex-husband changes self, begins doing things he wouldn't do with you, finds someone and they begin to have the relationship you begged for, who is 15 years his junior= I guess it wasn't any of those things, I just wasn't good enough. Feeling of not being good enough=willing to put up with a whole lot of shit for those moments of feeling good enough.

None of these events are any more or less responsible for an outcome than the others. They are all just building blocks. We could probably trace this back even further to a single mom, unable to give her undivided attention to each of her four children, which to an adult is easy to understand but in the eyes of a child it is translated to something else entirely. The need to be wanted, the need to be loved.

We will forever be changing due to influences within and beyond our control. Some people more than others but there is no exception to this rule. The best we can do is accept that and know that at any moment our lives could be completely different.

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass