My Boldest Stalker

Before I tell this story, I need to give some background information. If you don't already know this, I work at a public library. I've been here for almost 10 years and I've interacted with thousands, maybe even millions of people. Actually I have no idea if that's accurate at all because I suck a hard one at math. Anyways, I've been around a lot of people. Some nice, some mean, some smelly, some I see every day but we've never talked. Some know my name, some don't.

A couple of years ago, this guy started coming in. We will call him Herman. Not sure if that's actually his name but he looks like a Herman. So Herman starts coming in like every day for hours at a time. He is an older man, glasses, kind of different. Now I'm not a very judgemental person (unless you count women on Facebook who always wear too much eye makeup and take selfies with snapchat filters, while wearing spaghetti strap tanks with their tits hanging out and the camera wayyy above their heads so you can see way down their shirt. I judge you. I judge the fuck out of you. Have some couth, you nasty skanks. Not all attention is good attention. You're gross.) Moving on, I try not to be judgemental so I was initially nice to the guy. Soon he started getting a little clingy, I started to avoid having conversations or if I did have talk to him, I kept it short and professional.

After awhile I started noticing that every time I looked up from my desk, he would be across the library watching me. So one day I say to me co-worker, "I think that guy is creepy, he is always watching me...." and she says something like, "Yeah I don't think it's just you, he does that a lot." And I'm like alright, well that's reassuring. As time goes on, I'm getting a little more uncomfortable. When I get up to walk, he starts trying to intercept me and talk to me. I start to use some tactical maneuvers to avoid him even more.

One day I left work a little early or for lunch or something, when I get back to work my co-worker says "As soon as you left, he ran (probably fast shuffled) over to the window and watched you get in your car." I'm like ok this is getting really stalkery. So I'm like, "I think he is stalking me." and co-worker is like, "I think he just does that to all the pretty girls, I don't think you are being singled out." I'm like, "Ok, sounds fake but ok".

One day the guy is gone, just gone. We don't see him for like at least 2 years. Then about two months ago, he shows up again and I'l all, "Well shit..." He hangs out for a couple days, maybe a week, and then poof! Gone again. Thank God. Well, it only lasted about two weeks and here he strolls in again. Ugghhh. So I continue to make little remarks here and there about how he makes my uncomfortable and is kind of stalking me. I'm reassured that he probably does it to a lot of gals and I shouldn't feel singled out. Ok I guess?

Now, keep in mind, since his return a couple months ago, I have completely avoided him. I have not talked to him, I have not smiled or said so much as "Hello". It may seem rude but I'm sick of his bullshit. So I had to work last weekend so I was off on Friday. When I get to work on Monday my co-worker says, "So I was sitting in my office on Friday and I looked up and Herman was standing in my office. Didn't knock, just standing there. I asked him, "Can I help you?" and he says, "Where is she?" and motions towards the direction of the desk where you usually sit. I say, "Who?" and he says, "The girl that sits at the desk, with the brown hair..." I told him "She's unavailable today but there are several other people working today so what can we help you with" and he replies, "Where is she?" and I said, "Did you need something or..." and he says, "I want to know where she is...where is she today?" "I can't give you that information."

I'm not exactly how long this went on but long but apparently it wasn't a very short conversation. So now I'm like, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE WAS STALKING ME!"

Funny story, the morning I began writing this, he was in and being super creepy. I was talking to the custodian/my best friend, Chuck, and as we talked, creepo walked right by us, towards the exit. So my bestie goes to ask some of the guys that hang out around here a lot if they know his name. Just as he gets halfway across the library, I look over and the guy is seriously staring at me behind a sign. This is my reenactment:

HE WAS LITERALLY AROUND THE CORNER PEEKING OVER THE SIGN...STARING AT ME.

So I start loudly saying Chuck's name and he comes back and sees the guy, I run into the workroom and turn off the light, I'm angry crying because I'm sick of working like this, Chuck calls the director. She comes out, creepy tries avoiding her, she tells him he is being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable, he blames it on me, that I'm always staring at him, he gets asked to leave and not come back (but only for the day).

So since then he hasn't been back but if he does show back up, I told work if he approaches me anytime I am outside the building and off the clock, I will roundhouse him in the face. Or at least try. I'm also getting a taser in case I'm not wearing legging that day and don't have my full range of motion. Also if I go missing, it was him.

The End

No Refunds

Once upon a time, I got a part-time job. It was a good job but it was only 20 hours a week. At this job, I noticed that some of my new coworkers were very set in their ways. They came to work, did what they did, day in and day out. I am not that kind of person. While I very much like my schedule to go exactly the same way everyday, consistency makes me less anxious, I also like to learn new things. I want to have a place in life. Not in a conceited way, even though it may look like that to some, I want to earn my importance and my standing. I don't like people who feel like they are entitled to respect or importance, you earn it.

So instead of just saying, "This is my position, this is what I do. I'm going to come to work and just do what I'm told to do" I dug in. I went beyond what my job entailed. I learned everything there was to know about our online services, editing the website, etc. I used my technological prowess to make myself valuable. Long story short, this bitch was extra af.

Soon I was given more responsibility and a few more hours. It was nice but I kept going. The day that ebook lending became available through our library, I was on it. I became an expert. When a full time position opened, I got it. By this time I was able to work every desk, perform every duty with the exception of the bookkeeping and cataloging. I was the go to tech person. I ran the Facebook page, the website, I wrote an article every month for a local publication, I booked a couple authors to come talk, I wore a lot of hats. I have to admit, I took pride in myself and I felt like an essential asset. I got a little cocky but it felt earned. I was needed.

Then we got a new director. Him and I did not get along. He didn't like being challenged or spoken out against. I, on the other hand, do not necessarily do well with authority, especially male authority. Especially male authority who clearly has an issue with women who speak their mind. I strongly believe that everyone should have a voice when it comes to any facet of their lives. To come into a place and start making changes without any kind of background knowledge is foolish. Anyways after a couple of "heated" arguments I got hauled into his office where I was reprimanded. Though he had a lot to say (much of it very unprofessional) one statement really hit me in the gut. "EVERYONE is replaceable."

I had worked so hard to make myself valuable and felt security in my job because I had been told by several members of management that I was an asset to the library. Hearing those words directed at me threw me completely. In that moment I realized he was right. Everyone is replaceable and I am no exception to that rule. No matter how well I did at my job, I was replaceable.

Little did I know at the moment just how replaceable I would become in the next two years. Though that director left his position and I didn't lose my job, I have been replaced in almost every aspect of my life. By my friends, my ex, even some of the duties I had earned at work have been given away to others. I am reminded every few weeks just how replaceable I am, both directly and indirectly.

Did I earn my displacement? I guess it depends on who you ask. I'm sure the others parties would say yes and who am I to argue? We all have our reasons, whether it be moving on after heartache, feeling betrayed, being disrespected, or maybe because we withdrawal ourselves and just don't have the energy to commit to fixing the problem. Regardless of the reason the fact remains the same, no matter what you do or who you are, you are replaceable.........but this doesn't mean you're unforgettable.

You may replace me but you'll never forget me.

No Going Back.

The fucked up part about time is.....you can't reverse it. No matter how noble the cause, once something happens, it's happened. There is no going back. We all have these mental time machines where we imagine traveling back to a previous time in our lives. We dwell on thoughts like, "If I just would have listened" or "If I had just paid more attention" or "If I had just killed Hitler as a baby". Sorry, you are shit out of luck my friend. Take a hard look at your life because every good, bad and in between decision & action has gotten you to this point.

Luckily you have two choices, figure it the fuck out or kill yourself. While I persistently occupy my mind and favor the latter (what can I say, I'm on for theatrics and also I am very mentally ill) thus far I have gone with the other....kinda of. And as far as the ol "If you don't like your life..change it!" goes, it's hard to change your life when you have no motivation and/or willpower to do so.  Once or twice a month I decide, "Yeah! Do what's best for you!" but it only last a couple days or a few hours before it changes to, "Ugh. This is hard. Life is hard. I give up. No matter what I do, I'm never getting my old life back. This is me, accepting my life, which is a pile of hot shit " or something emotionally damaging happens and I run back to the familiar because I can't handle more than one existential crisis at a time. Which is essentially the category every one of my crises falls under. (Also crises is the plural form of crisis, knowledge is power).

To my credit, I'm having slightly more of these days and each time it lasts a little longer, so I haven't completely given up hope. Which is why I'm not typing this from the grave or a vegetative state. That and I haven't seen La-La Land yet. I've found it easier to deal with suicide ideation by thinking of something I've yet to do in my life then I let my obsessive behavior traits intervene, my anxiety kicks in and I'm all, "OH GOD! I CAN'T OFF MYSELF! I HAVEN'T EVER TRIED CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON OR LEARNED TO MOONWALK OR BECOME A DOCTOR!" Does it make sense? No but I've found a workaround and I'm going with it.

Anyways, like I was saying, you can't go back. As much as you cry and plead and hope and dream, it's not going to fucking happen. So eventually you have to accept it, something I refuse to do. I solemnly swear to make myself miserable and riddled with regret for as long as I live. Sure it's not the healthiest way to live but I've been doing it for over a year now so A. I'm really good at it and B. It's the path of least resistance.

But on a serious note, everyone has had that internal conversation that you would have with yourself if you were able to go back in time. Be nicer to your siblings. Spend more time with your grandparents. Cherish these moments because you'll never get them back. Put down the heroin, I know it seems like a good idea right now but that's only because of the other drugs you're on. Personally, I have a hundred things I would tell my past self. I would probably need to take several trips because the first few would just be me Homer Simpson strangling my early 2016 self. Logistically, I'm not sure how this would work out after the first time being that my 2016 self would be dead, therefore my future self wouldn't exist to go back in time after the first encounter.

Ok. Change of plans guys, instead of a wasting resources on time machines or time traveling super abilities, we are going focus all our energy on learning to travel to parallel timelines.

In conclusion, literally forget everything I just said. I feel like if we all come together, we can figure this out. I've just joined an "online academy" run by some dutch guy in Sedona (pretty sure it's a cult but I'm ok with that) and I feel like this is really going to turn my life around. PM me for dets.