No Going Back.

The fucked up part about time is.....you can't reverse it. No matter how noble the cause, once something happens, it's happened. There is no going back. We all have these mental time machines where we imagine traveling back to a previous time in our lives. We dwell on thoughts like, "If I just would have listened" or "If I had just paid more attention" or "If I had just killed Hitler as a baby". Sorry, you are shit out of luck my friend. Take a hard look at your life because every good, bad and in between decision & action has gotten you to this point.

Luckily you have two choices, figure it the fuck out or kill yourself. While I persistently occupy my mind and favor the latter (what can I say, I'm on for theatrics and also I am very mentally ill) thus far I have gone with the other....kinda of. And as far as the ol "If you don't like your life..change it!" goes, it's hard to change your life when you have no motivation and/or willpower to do so.  Once or twice a month I decide, "Yeah! Do what's best for you!" but it only last a couple days or a few hours before it changes to, "Ugh. This is hard. Life is hard. I give up. No matter what I do, I'm never getting my old life back. This is me, accepting my life, which is a pile of hot shit " or something emotionally damaging happens and I run back to the familiar because I can't handle more than one existential crisis at a time. Which is essentially the category every one of my crises falls under. (Also crises is the plural form of crisis, knowledge is power).

To my credit, I'm having slightly more of these days and each time it lasts a little longer, so I haven't completely given up hope. Which is why I'm not typing this from the grave or a vegetative state. That and I haven't seen La-La Land yet. I've found it easier to deal with suicide ideation by thinking of something I've yet to do in my life then I let my obsessive behavior traits intervene, my anxiety kicks in and I'm all, "OH GOD! I CAN'T OFF MYSELF! I HAVEN'T EVER TRIED CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON OR LEARNED TO MOONWALK OR BECOME A DOCTOR!" Does it make sense? No but I've found a workaround and I'm going with it.

Anyways, like I was saying, you can't go back. As much as you cry and plead and hope and dream, it's not going to fucking happen. So eventually you have to accept it, something I refuse to do. I solemnly swear to make myself miserable and riddled with regret for as long as I live. Sure it's not the healthiest way to live but I've been doing it for over a year now so A. I'm really good at it and B. It's the path of least resistance.

But on a serious note, everyone has had that internal conversation that you would have with yourself if you were able to go back in time. Be nicer to your siblings. Spend more time with your grandparents. Cherish these moments because you'll never get them back. Put down the heroin, I know it seems like a good idea right now but that's only because of the other drugs you're on. Personally, I have a hundred things I would tell my past self. I would probably need to take several trips because the first few would just be me Homer Simpson strangling my early 2016 self. Logistically, I'm not sure how this would work out after the first time being that my 2016 self would be dead, therefore my future self wouldn't exist to go back in time after the first encounter.

Ok. Change of plans guys, instead of a wasting resources on time machines or time traveling super abilities, we are going focus all our energy on learning to travel to parallel timelines.

In conclusion, literally forget everything I just said. I feel like if we all come together, we can figure this out. I've just joined an "online academy" run by some dutch guy in Sedona (pretty sure it's a cult but I'm ok with that) and I feel like this is really going to turn my life around. PM me for dets.